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When you disagree with someone, it’s normal to question whether opposites attract. However, the fear of being with someone starkly different shouldn’t deter us from fully exploring our options, because it can end up being the best.
However, there are hardships that come with dating your opposite. Contrasting personalities may lead to gaps in communication and differences of opinion. Uniqueness is beautiful, but if it comes to your values it’s important to make sure both of you are on the same page in your relationship.
This week on Dirty Talk, we tackle what can happen when your opposite is acting VERY OPPOSITE and how to find common ground. If you want a question of yours to be featured in a future blog, send some our way via our anonymous Google form or message us on Instagram.
Q: I think I like my girlfriend more than she likes me … I have a ton of photos of us on Instagram and she has only one of me … It just feels like she never wants to talk about me. I’m constantly thinking of her and talking about her to all of my friends, but I don’t know if she does the same for me … Any advice?
Annie: It sounds like you two really need to sit down and have a talk. I would suggest writing down a list of all the things that are troubling you so you do not forget them. I would also acknowledge the possibility she just has a different love language than you.
A love language is how a person shows love and affection. Some people really enjoy physical affection, while others talk about their partners a lot. I would encourage you to really get to know each other’s languages and take them into account. She needs to know what you enjoy and vice versa.
Having a conversation about this is crucial, as it is possible she has no idea you feel this way and is willing to amend the situation. I would tell her you really want to reignite the spark you once had at the beginning of your relationship. Just because she doesn’t simp in public, does not mean she doesn’t simp.
Also, I don’t know whether or not this is a queer relationship, but if it is, there is a possibility your girlfriend is not yet comfortable displaying their sexuality so publicly. Some people kick their way out of the closet and are very open about it from the start, while others need to take more time.
After the conversation, I think it is important to evaluate whether or not these issues are fixable or if the difference in personality is too much. If you do decide to end the relationship, it is nobody’s fault, it is possible you two are just not compatible.
Maya: I can see how easy it may be to interpret your partner’s behaviour as related to a worst-case scenario. I’m no stranger to doing the same thing: leaning into the idea that they’re ‘hiding’ me for countless reasons. Or even thinking I’m more invested in the relationship than the other person.
Don’t let yourself become overwhelmed with these thoughts; it’s unfair to you and might be to your partner, who isn’t yet aware of your feelings here. Putting this kind of heaviness on yourself regarding your partner’s lack of openness with the relationship is jumping several steps ahead, when sitting down to express these feelings of disappointment to your girlfriend will most likely air things out early for both of you.
It’s undeniably challenging to be with someone who expresses affection or concern for the relationship so differently than you do. We all tend to behave differently when faced with revealing the intimate parts of our relationship to others outside of it. Whatever your girlfriend’s outlook is on sharing details of her dating life, they involve you, and your feelings in the matter are valid. Telling her honestly will only bring you closer.
Her becoming more distant may be something she normally does in relationships, and everything I said previously applies here too. By laying it all out in the open, you’ll be able to realize more about what has been affecting each of you. It’s not always obvious, but when you find yourself worried or questioning something in your relationship, the solution tends to go back to igniting open communication with each other, no matter how difficult it may be to say out loud.
Q: My partner and I fall on different ends of the political spectrum. While I consider myself very progressive, they are more conservative about economic issues. They say that they are socially liberal and respect all people, but their opinions on some issues are questionable in my opinion. How do I discuss this topic with them without getting in a fight?
Maya: The most important thing for me in discussing opposing political views is that my foundational beliefs cannot be drastically different from those of my partner. When I’m getting to know someone, it’s not terribly uncommon for topics I feel strongly about, and that make up my core values, to come up in conversation. If you’re the same way, it’s important to consider these things when starting a relationship, or deciding if it should end.
Fundamental beliefs normally come above continuing a relationship for the sake of love on its own. While love is a beautiful thing to have with another person, as your lives move forward together, decisions that define a joint future will have to be made. Without common values that are relevant to decision-making, a life together might not happen the way you want it to.
You may think I’m jumping too far into the future or I’m being a downer. With casual dating, sure, an opposing political view doesn’t have to be a strong deterrent. With a long-term relationship though, already having the confirmation that you both see things about our world in the same way makes the shaky moments experienced in all relationships a lot less problematic.
Through reasonable and respectful conversation, share your views and how critical they are to you. Listen to your partner’s responses, and how they show understanding and express their opinions. What’s even more important than sharing common beliefs is how they act during conflicts. If they use language that undermines your emotions or your safety, you can stop listening to them right there and then.
No matter what your views or beliefs are, stay true to your core values and understand yourself. Determine which ideas about the world must be shared in a relationship and which don’t hold a place of importance. If certain political views do begin to tear away at your relationship, knowing what’s most important to you will make letting go much easier, if it comes to that.
Annie: I think that you really need to evaluate how important someone’s political views are to you before getting more serious. It is important to consider how their political leanings will affect you in the long term; especially in emotionally charged topics such as racial issues, abortion, gun laws and LGBTQ+ rights, which may come up over the course of your relationship.
That being said, I do believe it is possible to date someone with different opinions as long as you are both respectful. I think if you really love them and know they are a good person for you, that should outweigh anything that you may disagree on. I think it is important to challenge each other’s views and discuss them in a way that is not personal and allows you to engage in informed conversation. You may learn something from the other side, or you may teach them something.
If your partner cannot respect your views or vice versa, I believe the best thing would be to go your separate ways. Though this may be difficult to swallow, it could potentially save you a lot of heartbreak in the long run.
Questions were edited for length and clarity. All views expressed in this column are the opinions of the columnists and in no way constitute professional advice.
Featured graphic by Isabel Harder.
