Whether you’re single (like Maya) or closely cuffed (like Annie), you’re either scoping the field or enjoying one-on-one time with your significant other. If you’re the former, then you may either be looking for that special someone or just some fun for the time being.
In the dating world, flirting is the first step. If you want to get that date, learning to hone your flirtatious side is what seals the deal. Flirting can be as subtle as a glance someone’s way or something more intricate. Either way, if done right, you could soon find yourself with a ring on your finger and a baby on the way (just kidding, but only kind of).
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Q: How can I flirt effectively with women? I’m a man and I get nervous.
Maya: Please show us that you’re nervous—it’s hot!
No, seriously. When I’m talking to a man, they truly become more attractive once they reveal their vulnerable self, rather than when they trap me behind a wall of detachment that reveals their non-committal and lazy stance towards relationships.
You being a little nervous makes me feel like you take me seriously and that having this conversation with me is important to you. It makes me feel special, heard and appreciated. (Though make sure your nervousness doesn’t distract you from listening to my chattering!)
Yes, you’ve probably been told a hundred times that confidence is the only way to go when it comes to attracting someone. I think being seemingly confident in the way you carry yourself can initially be the pull that first gets someone you’re interested in to notice you.
But once you’re engaging in conversation with them, bringing your ego down a notch and being honest, even if it means you’re nervous, will reveal to the other person how much being with them means to you.
Flirting shouldn’t be planned. However, you also can’t allow your nervousness to render you totally oblivious to a situation that could lead to you finding someone. In some instances, you’ll need to stop keeping to yourself or staying within your comfort crowd, and get out there. Otherwise, there’s a chance you might be missing out on meeting some great women.
As a guy who might not enjoy meeting new people or has trouble being himself around women, you can help calm these social nerves by reminding yourself that both you and the person you’re interested in are human—there’s nothing to be nervous about when it comes to that!
It’s okay to seem shy when you approach someone you’re into, and chances are if that person is right for you, they might match your energy. With the two of you on the same wavelength, both of you will begin to open up, hopefully resulting in a happy ending!
Annie: I will emphasize this forever: nothing is sexier than someone who listens. One trick that never fails is to remember the small details your lady friend brings up about their life.
For example, say she told you she broke her arm skiing when she was eight. Remember this and slide it into conversation a few days later. This not only shows that you were listening, but that you made an effort to remember the little things. She will appreciate that, and may be more inclined to give you a shot.
Another thing that goes well with listening is eye contact. I realize this may sound obvious, but you would not believe how many people will not look you in the eye when you are speaking.
Us women do not like crazy intense eye contact, but we do enjoy just enough to make it seem like you are paying attention and valuing what we are saying. Eye contact also makes you seem more confident, which is another thing that most women (and people in general) find attractive.
The last thing that will improve your flirting game is the use of subtle touch. Though this may not be possible during the pandemic, this may be a handy tip once the pandemic is over. Sometimes a subtle touch on the arm or the shoulder may help the person you are flirting with realize that you are interested, and may build romantic and sexual chemistry.
However, this trick should be used sparingly. It is crucial to follow social cues and be sure that the person you are talking to is comfortable with you touching them. If you’re not sure whether the time and place is right to touch someone, just don’t.
Flirting is not one size fits all. What works for me may not work for you and that’s okay. It’s important to let your personality shine, so that she likes you for who you are. Otherwise, what’s the point?
While these are tips that I have found useful in the past, don’t be afraid to get a bit creative, and be who you really are.
Q: What should I do if we’re both super shy and can’t really talk to one another?
Annie: There are multiple ways to approach this question, so I will tackle both. My first answer will assume you are not in a relationship, and my second one will assume that you are.
From my experience, shy people can be some of the most loyal and kind individuals, but sometimes, it can be harder for them to open up. My biggest recommendation would be to take baby steps, especially if you are shy as well.
Every time you go to talk to this person, I would try to take the conversation a step further, and try to learn more about them. Obviously respect their boundaries, but make it known that you are interested in getting to know them, and that you are willing to adhere to their timeline of opening up.
I realize this may involve taking a big step out of your comfort zone, but it could be worth it in the long run. It’s also something you’ll need to work on regardless if you wish to find yourself in a meaningful relationship(s) at some point in your life.
Assuming you are in a relationship, it is clear that you opened up at least a little bit to this person. If you’re struggling to talk to one another, it is important to consider why. Are you scared of what this person may think of you? Are you afraid of scaring them away? It is crucial to be able to open up to your partner. I believe that the first step in improving communication is to build trust.
A good way to do this may be to subtly flirt with them without the use of words, perhaps by small, thoughtful acts of service. This could be as simple as getting to know their coffee order, and picking one up for them every once in a while. It is an easy way to show that you care without stepping too far out of your comfort zone. After this trust is built, it will be much easier to communicate and further build a relationship.
Maya: Communicating as a shy person with someone else who is timid as well could pose quite the challenge. Assuming you’re interested in someone who doesn’t know you too well yet, but who you’ve been in contact with for a little bit (maybe through flirty DMs or whatnot), the perfect scenario would be that your text conversations alone are enough to give you the confidence for in-person interaction.
However, it’s okay to still feel introverted or withdrawn from the idea of actually having to form words and exchange them with this person you like.
As two shy people who are into each other, you already have two things in common! Still looking to learn more about each other? Hang out in group settings by bringing in your friends and theirs. Unfortunately, as we’re still in a pandemic, making arrangements for a bigger group than the two of you is largely unwelcome. However, thanks to platforms like Zoom, there are still ways to work around these restrictions and continue the tradition of game nights.
Inviting your particularly extroverted friends can help make you and your person exceedingly more comfortable around each other, since an uplifted energy tends to rub off on everyone else in the same space. The more both of you enjoy yourselves, the more you’ll find things to bond over, and the more you’ll realize how well you go together (if you in fact do go well together). Slowly but surely, the two of you will be able to overcome your shyness as a result of the intensity of your attraction for one another.
If you’re already together, opening up to the other person, regardless if you’re naturally shy or not, takes time. However, it becomes easier the more each person reveals parts of themselves they don’t often show. When you become aware of the other person’s fears and insecurities, you’ll feel more obliged to care for them and support them.
Shyness may sometimes stand in the way of becoming closer since showing vulnerability can be difficult. But if there comes a time when vulnerability is shown, show that it’s a special moment to you. Don’t let your shyness prevent you from letting yourself falter a little in front of them.
Maybe it’s easier said than done, but when you each truly care for the other, it’s definitely worth risking embarrassment. Although in reality, you know the embarrassment won’t lead to anything drastic—it’s all part of developing a strong, healthy bond.
Featured graphic by Etta Gerrits.
