Welcome to The Ironic Chronicle, your 24/7 non-stop non-news assault.
So far during the 2019 federal election season, there has been a lot of chatter and gossip surrounding the candidates, their behaviour, and the things they’ve said.
This recap can serve as the source of the Canadian people to engage honestly with the various doings of their future overseer.
First, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has called out official opposition leader Andrew Scheer for being not-quite green enough.
After reaffirming that the NDP are still, in fact, in the race for prime minister, leader Jagmeet Singh similarly remarked that Trudeau cares about the environment, but not enough. And also that unfortunately, rich people like him.
This comes after Singh celebrated the birthday of Mao Zedong and called critics out for being bourgeois class traitors.
Scheer decided to sit out of the September climate strike, which students across the nation affectionately referred to as a “get-out-of-class-free card.”
People’s Party of Canada leader Maxime Bernier believes Scheer spent the day with his corporate overlords negotiating an acceptable price for the sovereignty of the country over a glass of delicious milk.
Unfortunately, Trudeau had to inform the public that for the first day of his prime ministerial career, he won’t be sitting down with the ethics commissioner. Instead, he spent the day demanding climate action from himself during the climate protest.
Bernier spent the day leaking classified documents at a rally for the hell’s angels, although we’re pretty sure he also did something racist, somewhere. Probably.
Meanwhile, the CBC is still unsure where Green Party leader Elizabeth May is, or what she has to say, if anything at all.
Climate change remains a top priority among voters, which is good. But so do jobs, which is selfish.
Scheer jumped out of the bushes at a local park to tell stoned college students that the re-criminalization of marijuana is still on the table. Analysts believe he’s brought this issue up because the election is too easy and he wants a challenge.
A picture of Trudeau in blueface at a performance of the Blue Man Group in New York has surfaced, and rapper Blueface has called for the prime minister to resign. The prime minister also elected not to attend the upcoming Munk debate because he has no time for hate speech and bad vibes.
Trudeau recently assembled the members of the Canadian Press Corps and offered $100,000 to any reporter who will take it easy on him.
One reporter accused Trudeau of an ethics violation, to which he responded with a lecture about the culturally relative nature of moral claims.
Scheer finally released his platform a couple days before the election and it is a transcript of his sickest burns against the prime minister.
We asked the Liberal Party to comment on the SNC-Lavalin scandal and they responded by jailing our reporter for using a plastic straw in his soda cup. Bernier tweeted out his new campaign slogan earlier this week, “facts don’t care about your feelings,” and then proceeded to cry over his poll numbers.
Scheer was asked about his troubling opposition to gay marriage as a member of parliament in 2001, and he erupted in hymn claiming that the holy ghost had possessed him.
Finally, the search is still out for May of the Green Party, but unfortunately no one has found her or asked for her opinion, due to a lack of interest.
Graphic by Sara Mizannojehdehi.
