Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes have been fabricated.
After a long year of isolation and social distancing, the Student Experience Office (SEO) announced new activities for this year’s frosh, including person-on-person CPR training and spin the bottle.
These activities are meant to encourage deeper connection between first-year students, said program director Aunti Masker.
“Spin the bottle was our top choice for the schedule because it gives many students the interactive experience,” Masker said. “Other games, like ‘seven minutes in heaven’, only let a student bond with one other student in their cohort.”
Michelle Pfizer, president of Carleton’s newest sorority Delta Delta Delta, is assisting the SEO with organizing the new events.
“Students have been confined to their bedrooms and have only been socializing with their immediate families—these nerds have forgotten how to interact with other human beings without acting awkward,” Pfizer told the Charlatan while taking a drag from a cigarette she was passing around between a group of her sorority sisters. “We want to throw them back into this sweet cesspool of hormones and germs full force.”
“The 4-1-1 is that the youth really just need to let loose, you know? They wanna have a fun time,” SEO’s outreach coordinator Junie George, said. “Only good vibes here, none of this ‘caring about COVID-19’ that has become so trendy.”
George added the “global panini” is nothing to be fearful of.
When the Charlatan asked about the panorama, George said when she last had her hair done, in September 2019, nobody she knew was concerned.
Meanwhile, the CPR training course is scheduled for Monday at 4:20 p.m. Masker clarified that the course would only satisfy one-tenth of Ontario’s first aid certification since they are only teaching students person-on-person CPR.
“I guess it’s better than nothing?” incoming student Don Toverriact said.
These two activities are scheduled for the beginning of the week, while a drinking game centred around dumping the last third of your drink into a big shared bucket for the loser to chug at the end of the round is still in the planning stages.
Featured image from file.
