Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes have been fabricated.
Carleton University lectures will be held outdoors in the upcoming fall 2021 semester due to COVID-19 gathering restrictions, according to a statement released by the university Thursday.
The statement projects Ontario will have progressed at a minimum to the second phase of the province’s re-opening plan by September, which will allow outdoor gatherings of up to 25 people. The third phase will allow for even larger outdoor gatherings.
Helen Oppdii is an associate professor of economics at Carleton. Oppdii said outdoor lectures will help her educate at a level of quality that was hard to recreate online.
“I really miss being able to teach in-person, and outdoor gatherings will help bring back the engagement and motivation lost when class went online,” she said. “I am ready to do whatever it takes to meet with my students in person again.”
She said she is most looking forward to the end of her online school pet peeve: students keeping their cameras off on Zoom.
“Online school leaves so many opportunities for students to cheat the system,” said Oppdii. “Missed class grade penalties exist for a reason. And I know students are falling asleep during my class … I just want to know which ones.”
Hugh Junnerd, a third-year political science student at Carleton, said he also looks forward to any semblance of in-person teaching—especially if it includes friendly faces.
“Online school just feels like a waste of money,” said Junnerd. “I’m thrilled about going back to in-person classes in the fall. I can just imagine it! The first frost in October, icy wind nipping at our noses, visits from the campus groundhogs and residence raccoon to keep us company in class. Wow.”
But while some students and staff look forward to a return to in-person lectures, others remain wary of the outdoors.
A Carleton representative wrote in an email to the Charlatan that all students will be required to sign a waiver relieving Carleton of any liability for damaged textbooks or electronics that may be caused by working in all types of inclement weather. Not all students are pleased with this.
Noit All, a third-year legal studies student, said she is wary of the legal implications of the waiver.
“The school shouldn’t be able to make us sign anything. We’re practically minors and it’s unenforceable,” she said. “If rain ruins my study notes, I’m going to sue.”
Cole D’Baum is a second-year computer science student at Carleton. He said he dreads having to adapt to yet another teaching solution during the pandemic.
“It took the university a long time to figure out online teaching,” said D’Baum. “They should stick with Zoom university until we can fully return to campus.”
D’Baum also said he is worried about the costs that outdoor lessons might incur.
“I already have to pay for textbooks and software each semester,” he said. “What happens if outdoor class lasts into November? I’ll have to buy gloves, earmuffs and maybe even a jacket long enough to keep my ass warm.”
D’Baum said he’ll be saving money all summer in order to purchase the longest coat Carleton’s ever seen ahead of fall outdoor classes.
Featured image from file.
