Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes have been fabricated.
Carleton students are heartbroken after one of Ottawa’s independent movie theatres, the BesideCity Cinema, shut its doors in late 2020. Many said they will especially miss the communal experience of sneaking snacks into the dark theatre late at night.
Students said they’ll miss smuggling outside candy, chocolate, and the occasional four-course Thanksgiving dinner into the theatre after particularly difficult weeks at school.
Second-year Carleton accounting student Iama Cheapskate said she’ll miss the adrenaline rush that comes with hiding three full bags of freshly microwaved popcorn under her hat.
“There’s something exciting about hiding food so nonchalantly,” she said. “ I know the usher knows it’s there, but they’re always too afraid to ask. That’s the kind of power trip I find myself needing these days.”
Cheapskate added she’s even more excited by the effect she knows she’s having on the theatre.
“It’s different when it’s a small business. I can actually feel the toll I’m taking on their lives and the economy,” Cheapskate said. “But yeah, I’m upset they’re no longer open. Guess I’ll have to go back to stealing candy from children and shoplifting from independent retail stores like Octopus Books.”
Actor Armie Hammer was also disappointed by the loss of the theatre as a dining location, and for some reason found time in his schedule to tell the Charlatan about it.
The Call Me By Your Name actor said the theatre was one of few locations in the city that both screened his films on a regular basis and was dark enough for him to eat humans without fear of getting caught.
“I don’t have a place to screen my movies,” he said. “I don’t have a place where I can eat … snacks … in peace. But the BesideCity—especially around COVID-19, when everyone talked big game about supporting small businesses but still didn’t really come out to support them—the theatre was pretty empty. It was any canni—I mean, any man’s dream.”
Other students noted the loss of the theatre marked a loss of more than just cheap thrills.
“I just want to feel something again,” said Felm Snob, a second-year film studies student at Carleton. “The pinnacle of film viewing was doing so in a grand theatre like the BesideCity—I can’t remember the last time I saw a moving image that wasn’t projected.”
“I guess I’ll have to start watching my overbudgeted and mass-marketed indie films on my phone or computer, like a fucking normie.”
Chris Corporate is a third-year economics student at Carleton. He said the theatre was his favourite spot to bring Tinder dates.
“I used to do it right,” Corporate said. “Take her to an independent theatre, to show her I’m cultured. Watch a classic like the Wolf of Wall Street. Explain the concept of inflation to her.”
Now, Corporate said he is at a loss for where to take his romantic interests.
“I guess I can just take the ladies home to Netflix and Chill,” he said. “So disappointing—rest in peace, BesideCity.”
Featured graphic by Pascale Malenfant.
