Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated.
Inno Cent, a third-year Carleton engineering student, was taken in for questioning last night after being spotted buying 16 chainsaws at the Nepean Home Depot.
After conversations with Ottawa police, the truth has since been revealed. Cent, a co-op student with the Winterlude Ice Carving Association, was purchasing the chainsaws under the direction of his boss who needed them to complete their carving.
The witness asked for anonymity citing safety concerns. We at the Partisan don’t care one way or another.
The witness said Cent looked like he “hadn’t seen the light of day in weeks” and that the student “looked like he would steal street signs.” They added Cent, who was seen donning Pit Vipers and mullet combo platter, was certainly not helping his case with his style choices.
“What kind of a crappy co-op placement is that?” a police representative said in a statement to the press after they had sorted out the miscommunication. Cent told the police that the Carleton co-op portal was so impossible to use that he just applied to the first job he saw.
“It kicked me out right after,” Cent said. “All I had time to apply for was this gig and a birthday party Spiderman.”
Featured image by Spencer Colby.
