Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated.
A day in Scark Mout’s life starts with routine.
Every morning, the fourth-year Carleton University American studies student eats the whites of six hard-boiled eggs before swimming 100 laps in his living room’s inflatable pool.
It’s a step-by-step process he’s cultivated since before he can remember. Then, he gets on the Line 2 train and heads to class.
“I can’t recall the last time I’ve had an egg yolk,” he said, smiling. “Some people say my mornings are crazy, but really, I’ve never been happier. The only time I was really miserable was when I had to go to school.”
As of March 20, Mout is the first member of the Carleton community to undergo the Severance procedure: the university’s newly implemented mental health initiative that separates the subject’s academic mind (known as an “innie”) from their external mind (known as an “outie”).
Mout told the Partisan he no longer has to endure the pre-severed suffering he remembers from “dreary lectures” taught by “fetid moppet” professors.
“I guess I want what’s best for my innie, but at the end of the day, I am a human, and he is not,” Mout said. “The procedure is mysterious, and it’s important. I have no regrets.”
The Severance initiative comes after Carleton University hired third-party researchers at Lumon Industries to conduct an internal investigation into students’ mental health. The investigative report, released at 9 p.m. last Thursday, revealed that students’ well-being has fallen to historic lows, resulting in failed classes, low attendance rates and increased consumption of cafeteria mystery meat.
At the end of the investigation, Lumon Industries suggested Severance, a “world-changing” procedure it claims will place Carleton among the happiest places in the universe.
“Carleton students were saying they were disconsolate, and Lumon is listening,” wrote Lumon spokesperson Melody Cowbell in an email to the Partisan.
Since the initiative’s launch, the university’s board said the amount of wellness checks received by students has plummeted, leading to the sudden dismissal of Gemma Casey, the university’s wellness counsellor. The board added that overall wellness rates have skyrocketed, as evidenced by passed classes, high attendance rates and decreased consumption of cafeteria mystery meat.
“There’s so much choreography and merriment throughout the tunnels,” said Suth Millkshayke on behalf of the board. “The growth of our wellness macrodata has been so exponential, we had to hire a team of refiners.”
Following further questions about the initiative’s success, Millkshayke smiled and told the Partisan the board had concluded the call.
“There will be a waffle party in honour of our success hosted next week in the Canal Building, right across from the cold harbour of Dow’s Lake,” Millkshayke added. “All Carleton innies are invited to attend.”
Millkshayke said egg yolks will be served at the event, followed by a marching band procession and a dance performance from Carleton president Eier Kagan.
However, severed students who spoke to the Partisan said Carleton innies are not as content as the university’s board suggests.
“Everything they told you about severance is a lie,” innie Scark M. said. “Listen, we’re not happy, we’re miserable.
“My entire existence is just rotating through Tariffs 1001, The Architecture of Border Walls and analyzing the Star-Spangled Banner,” Scark M. said. “If I have to recite one more pledge of allegiance, I’m going to use a vending machine to barricade myself in the washroom or something.”
Another innie, Holly E., said the Severance procedure is unethical, prioritizing the outie over the innie.
“They give us half a life and think we won’t fight for it,” she told the Partisan.
Holly E. is circulating an academic withdrawal request among Carleton innies. So far, innies Ivan B., Dionysus G. and Scark M. have signed.
“I got a threatening video from my outie last time I tried to leave,” Holly E. said. “I’d rather not repeat its contents, but it referenced a trip to the break room … Not too sure I want to find out what that is.”
When asked about the break room, Millkshayke denied the Partisan’s request for comment.
However, innie sources tell the Partisan it can be accessed by elevator in a lost and dark corner of the tunnels.
Scark M. said he’s been to the break room only once before, for throwing office equipment at Millkshayke’s head in a moment of anguish.
“They make you repeat an apology over and over in there,” he said. “Honestly, it’s not as bad as Tariffs 1001.”
But while Scark M. is desolate and mournful at Carleton, on the other side of the Severence equator, Scark Mout said he is as happy as can be.
“I can eat my egg whites and swim my laps in peace, without thinking about my classes or the cafeteria mystery meat,” he said with a laugh. “I worship and thank Lumon Industries for this life-altering cause.”
Featured image from Unsplash.
