Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated.
Alongside basketballs, hockey sticks and shin guards, the Carleton Ravens equipment manager will have new gear in their portfolio: plastic broomsticks.
The Carleton quidditch team has officially received varsity status from the university, joining the ranks of varsity basketball, hockey, soccer and rugby. The team will compete in Ontario University Athletics (OUA), which recently added quidditch to its list of G1 sports.
The move was met with celebration from some.
“We’ve been lobbying for this for years. It’s so nice to see our sport get some recognition,” team captain Seeg Kerr said. “Maybe now my parents will stop telling me to get a real job.”
Obtaining varsity status means the team will receive funding from the university for its program. This allows for improvements in equipment, like the PVC pipes players hold between their legs while playing, Kerr said.
“I think we may be able to upgrade to steel pipes instead of PVC,” Kerr said. “This will help us on the pitch. Opponent makes one wrong move? BAM. Steel pipe straight to the noggin.”
Kerr later retracted his statement, expressing concern that Carleton Athletics “wouldn’t be happy with me encouraging violence against others. I’ve already been warned twice and I really don’t want to go through the paperwork again.”
The Charlatan decided to publish his comments anyways because we’re badasses.
While quidditch players celebrated, others said they were frustrated. The Carleton men’s rugby team, which will start competing in the Réseau du sport étudiant du Québec (RSEQ) next year, does not have varsity status, meaning it doesn’t receive additional funding from Athletics.
Imup Set, president of the men’s rugby team, said this represented a double standard.
“Are you fucking serious? Quidditch got varsity status before us?” Set said while quietly weeping and caressing a rugby ball. “I’m done. I quit. This is bullshit. Carleton is paying money for a bunch of grown adults to cosplay for two hours.”
The OUA’s decision to add quidditch to the list of G1 sports was also met with criticism. G1 sports have higher entry fees to join the OUA than G2 or G3 sports, as well as more stringent broadcast requirements. They also have different eligibility requirements.
“To be honest, we did it for the meme,” an OUA source told the Charlatan in a text. “Everyone takes their sport so seriously, so we wanted to see how much we could get under their skin. Plus, making it a G1 sport means teams have to pay us more money. Hell, I just bought a cottage in Muskoka last week. Quidditch is great!”
The source signed their text “lol rofl lmfao, see you in the fall suckers.”
Featured image by Anya Swettenham.
