Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated.
Carleton University’s School of Linguistics and Language Studies is offering seven more sections of its Klingon course this semester after seeing overwhelming success in its debut year.
The language school introduced the Klingon course in the winter 2024 semester to diversify language course offerings. The course had more than 62 students enrolled in its inaugural year, according to Klingon program co-ordinator Harry S. Pock
Pock said he became fluent in Klingon during the COVID-19 pandemic after watching copious amounts of Star Trek and started teaching the language to his cats, T’kuvma and Grilka.
He said he wanted to challenge himself by teaching it to university students, whose intelligence, he claimed, is almost as low as that of his cats.
“As amazing as my fluffy cats are, they just didn’t get it,” he said. “But, there is still hope for Carleton students. In my eyes, I am doing them a favour by exposing them to the majestic language of Klingon.”
Course assignments include a costume fashion show and singing the Canadian national anthem in Klingon. For the final project, Pock said students will translate and re-enact their favourite episode from the Star Trek series.
While he said he had trouble getting the department’s approval for these assignments, administrators eventually gave in.
“I just walked into the office wearing my Worf costume and screamed at them in Klingon until they agreed,” he said. “I think they said yes just to get me out of the office, but it worked all the same.”
The Charlatan hired a translator to communicate with students enrolled in the course, who signed a moral code to only speak Klingon for the duration of the course.
Pock said the code is his way of immersing students in Klingon culture.
“It’s not like we can travel to space and live in a Klingon society like how you can travel to France and learn French,” he said. “Speaking the language 24-7 is the only way to live long and prosper.”
Walker Skye, a second-year commerce student, said they enrolled in the course after thinking it was an instructional course on how to use cling wrap.
“I was sorely mistaken and now all my food is rotting,” they said in Klingon. “But, there’s no turning back now.”
Pock said he is already making plans to move the class out of the St. Patrick’s Building and create a space on campus specifically for Klingon courses. He is involving students such as third-year architecture student Kirk T. James to conceptualize the building’s design.
“You know that construction project they’re calling a new residence building? It’s secretly a Klingon bird of prey starship,” James revealed in Klingon.
The construction team, who is also responsible for the O-Train Line 2 (Trillium Line) construction on campus, said they struggled to read the design plans, which were written entirely in Klingon and laminated in 100 layers of cling wrap.
“I don’t know what kind of alien language these plans were written in, but we have our entire team dedicated to figuring it out,” construction co-ordinator Hans van Guard said.
“The O-Train construction project is now on the backburner, and I’m anticipating another 300 light-years before we can get it done. We’ve got our priorities straight.”
Featured graphic by Alisha Velji.
