Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated.
Carleton University students will be able to enrol in a new American studies program starting in the fall 2025 semester.
The university announced the program launch at a red, white and blue star-spangled event in the foyer of the Nicol Building.
“Oh say, can you see,” said university president Tonald Drump. “By the dawn’s early light, what so proudly we hailed at the twilight’s last gleaming?”
In an email to the Partisan, university spokesperson V.J. Dance said the new program is essential for Carleton students to understand their neighbours south of the 49th parallel.
“Pierre Trudeau once said living next to the U.S. is like sleeping with an elephant,” Dance wrote. “Through this program, students will have the opportunity to become the elephant.”
Dance added the American studies program is receiving $100 trillion in grants and funding from American tech billionaire Melon Eusk.
“In addition to providing excellent educational opportunities for Carleton students, this funding will completely erase the university’s deficit,” Dance said. “It’s really a win-win situation.”
While the exact numbers for the university’s deficit are unclear, members of the Carleton administration have speculated it could reach upwards of $100 billion within the next year — a number many attribute to the university’s recent font rebranding project.
In an email statement to the Partisan, Eusk said he is honoured to contribute to Carleton’s academic offerings.
“I’m so deeply, truthfully, privileged and proud to invest in not only a crucial part of Canadian education, but also into such an esteemed institution,” Eusk wrote. “When ranked in alphabetical order, Carleton is the top university in the national capital region.”
The American studies program will offer a four-year bachelor’s degree diving into the economic, political and cultural nuances of the U.S. According to Dance, all courses will start with a mandatory reading of the pledge of allegiance.
Syllabi drafts obtained by the Partisan reveal the program will offer an interdisciplinary range of lectures, labs and seminars, including:
- Tariffs 1001 (LEC)
- The Architecture of Border Walls (LAB)
- Literary Analysis of the Star-Spangled Banner (SEM)
- DEI or DIE?: Engineering Non-Woke Aircrafts (LAB)
- DOGE 2001: The geniusness, efficacity, proficiency and adequacy of the Department of Government Efficiency (LEC)
- Bullying (and buying) your neighbours 3001 (LEC)
- Russia 1001 (LEC)
Following the announcement, students and staff raised concerns about the timing of the new program, given recent escalation of tariff threats from across the border.
“This is a time of existential threat to the sovereignty of our nation,” said history professor Scotia Maple. “Enshrining American propaganda at Carleton is a traitorous decision.”
Brunswick Beaver, president of the Carleton Canadian Sovereignty Club, said he’s also concerned about the decision.
“Not to get too political, but this seems maybe not smart, eh?” Beaver said. “I thought we dealt with these shenanigans in 1812.”
He said if the university continues with the program launch, he has a flamethrower and a one-way ticket to the White House pre-booked.
When asked if the introduction of the new program had anything to do with the trade war, Dance said “nuh-uh.”
“Of course we’re planning on preserving Canadian sovereignty at Carleton University, too,” he said. “We have concepts of that plan.”
When asked to elaborate on what the plan entailed, Dance did not provide any specific responses.
“Oh say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave,” he said. “O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave.”
To promote the program’s launch, the university has released limited-availability merchandise, including red baseball caps reading “We are for sale” and “Make Carleton Great Again.” Red, white and blue Uncle Sam posters can also be found around campus, reading “We Want You! (to learn about America).”
In all its promotional brochures, the university promises students who enrol will enjoy the new program.
“After you graduate, all you’ll be wanting is four more years!”
Featured image from Unsplash.
