Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated.
After nearly 80 years of hard-hitting student journalism, the Charlatan will cease to exist.
The disbandment comes after weeks of infighting stemming from the publication’s staff foosball tournament.
“The work environment has been harrowing,” said Ma’am, a foosball tournament survivor, defeated in the first round. Ma’am asked to be identified by a pseudonym, for fear of even more professional repercussions. “I don’t know if I can ever recover.”
According to several staff members, the tournament has wreaked havoc in the newsroom.
“It’s no longer a safe space,” said Belissa, who also chose to be identified by a pseudonym. “I feel like I’m looking over my shoulder every time I step near the office foosball table.”
According to Belissa, who was also knocked out in the first round, the tournament was “rigged” from the beginning.
“The screws kept falling out of the table,” Belissa said. “I have reason to believe that [Nalisha] rigged the tournament from the start. I guess they need a rickety playing field to win.”
In an email statement to the Partisan, Nalisha (another pseudonym) said the allegations of rigging are “unequivocally false.”
“I would never abuse my power to do that,” Nalisha wrote. “Belissa is a sore loser and a bad foosball player.”
Nalisha was set to face Jadeen (another pseudonym) in the tournament’s semifinal matchup. Jadeen said they would not play the match if the tournament were to continue.
“I refuse to step into the foosball ring amidst such obvious cheating,” Jadeen told the Partisan. “Nalisha really is the epitome of a charlatan.”
Nalisha denied the Partisan’s request for further comment.
According to internal Slack messages obtained by the Partisan, the decision to call off the tournament and disband the student publication was suggested by an individual identified as “Jurray.”
Jurray is currently set to play in the foosball final. If the tournament were to end, they would automatically win and become the Charlatan’s cult leader.
“STOP THE COUNT! That crown was made for me,” the Slack message from Jurray reads.
Knocked out by Jurray in round 1, foosball tournament survivor Davexa (another pseudonym) said they are “deeply saddened” at the prospect of Jurray being crowned cult leader.
“I’m honestly heartbroken,” Davexa said, their eyes glistening with tears. “The tournament turned [Jurray] into a monster.”
Multiple sources alleged that Davexa is jealous of Jurray’s foosball success. According to those sources, Davexa and Jurray recently ended a four-year-long romantic relationship.
Despite multiple requests from the Partisan, Jurray provided no further clarification on the allegations.
“I don’t know what [Davexa] is talking about,” Jurray wrote. “I ask for privacy at this troubling time.”
Kaby (another pseudonym) was defeated by Jurray in a heated second round. They expressed sadness at the reality of their student journalism career coming to a dramatic end.
“[Davexa and Jurray] were the glue that held us all together,” Kaby said. “I can’t believe the rickety foosball table outlasted their love.”
Grassie (another pseudonym) was also an early foosball knock-out. They said the infighting caused by the lost romance and the table-rigging allegations drove an “irreparable wedge” between the once tight-knit staff.
“Everyone’s taking sides,” Grassie said. “We don’t talk anymore. No one wants to do a Rooster’s run or a wellness walk. It’s a sad day for student journalism.”
Featured image by Murray Oliver.
