Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes have been fabricated.
Authorities are currently searching for a giant mutant cricket in Old Ottawa South after it ate a Carleton graduate student on Wednesday.
Students and staff are advised to remain indoors until the cricket can be found, according to Ottawa Police.
Bea Pheaboi was a Carleton biology PhD student and part of a team at the school researching crickets as sustainable sources of protein.
“Crickets taste good, have a complex micronutrient profile, and can be farmed using minimal resources,” Pheaboi wrote about her early research in a press release. “If the general population can look past the stigma of eating insects, our team believes production of crickets instead of red meat can help countries worldwide reach goals of net-zero carbon emissions by 2030.”
Pheaboi’s team had bred their seventh iteration of larger, protein-rich insects when Pheaboi’s ambition was abruptly cut short by being eaten on June 23.
Lo Quist is a University of Ottawa master’s student studying biology, and was a researcher working with Pheaboi. She said she walked into her laboratory last Wednesday to find Pheaboi’s left hand lying next to an empty cricket terrarium.
“My heart goes out to Pheaboi’s family during these tough and trying times,” Quist said. “You see this kind of thing in books and movies; we never even considered the possibility of cricket revenge.”
Quist also said she fears for her own life and has gone into hiding until the mutant cricket can be located.
“Please stay indoors. This is no joke—once a cricket gets a taste for human flesh nothing else will satiate it,” said Quist.
Quist, now the lead researcher on the project, also said she still plans to fulfill the team’s deal to sell their cricket patent to BigCorp Inc.
“Crickets as a sustainable food source still have the potential to make the world a greener place,” said Quist. “Pheaboi would not have wanted her research to be in vain.”
Ottawa Police are looking for tips into the whereabouts of a minivan-sized cricket.
Featured image by Colton K via Unsplash.
