Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes have been fabricated.
Last March, the sports world was completely shut down and has yet to fully recover, leaving many searching for answers.
Student athletes and fans of university sports have been especially hard hit, not having attended any live sporting events in over a year.
Mike Litorus, a seventh-year commerce student and member of the Omega Beta Males fraternity, said he has felt especially impacted by this.
“Like, what’s the point of coming back for a seventh year if I can’t go to a game of puck with the boys, get sauced and go wheel some puck bunnies at TD Place? I’m not here for an education,” Litorus said.
Litorus said if things don’t get back to normal soon he may even consider not actually finishing his degree and cashing in his trust fund instead.
“My parents are paying for this anyways. If I can’t go turn up at Panda then what are we really doing here?” Litorus said.
It’s not just fans who have been struggling with this. Lic Myšák, a third-year communications student and captain of the Ravens hockey team, said he’s found this past year to be especially difficult.
“I didn’t come here from Czech just to fucking sit at home and watch Zoom all day. I come here for horny Canadian puck bunnies after big game. This is fucking bullshit,” Myšák said.
It’s been a difficult time for many like Myšák and Litorus. Litorus said he has questioned the validity of the pandemic and cancelling all sports.
“I don’t even know anyone who’s gotten the ’rona,” Litorus said. “I heard the virus was made in a lab anyways. I can’t believe all these sheep cancelling sports over the flu.”
A bright side of the pandemic
Not everyone has had a negative reaction to the cancellation of sports.
Stella Virgen, a member of Carleton’s League of Legends team, said the cancellation has been great for her as esports are the only sports still taking place this year.
“This cancellation has been great for us. I don’t have to leave the house. I get to put ‘varsity athlete’ in my Instagram bio and my stupid mom finally got off my ass about getting a job,” Virgen said.
Others have used the time off from sports to explore other passions. Litorus’s fraternity brother and varsity beer pong player, Harry Johnston, said he’s found new passions during the pandemic.
“I really don’t even like sports that much. I just play them to make my dad happy and fit in with the guys,” Johnston said.
“My real passion is painting. One night, Mike and I got a little too drunk and he let me paint all of him. It really brought us closer as friends,” Johnston said about exploring his newfound hobbies during the pandemic.
An end in sight
As vaccine rollout ramps up across Canada, it’s possible a return to live sports could be in the cards for the Ravens next fall. This has many excited to possibly have some normalcy back in their lives soon.
“My dad already paid for me to get to the front of the line for the vaccine,” Litorus said. “I really don’t think I need it though—in my experience, there’s nothing some antibiotics and a shot of tequila can’t fix.”
Others shared their skepticism of the vaccine.
“I’ll let you stupid Canadians take that Mickey Mouse vaccine first,” Myšák said.
He added that if for whatever reason he grew a second head as a side effect of the vaccine, he would be OK with it as it would make him “twice as handsome.”
Featured image by Sara Mizannojehdehi.
