The latest Ontario lockdown announcement came in the form of Ontario Premier Doug Ford pleading for residents to stay home yet again. When watching the broadcast, I stared in disbelief—but in reality, we all knew a stay-at-home order was forthcoming.
Maybe I’m being dramatic, but for me another lockdown means another series of weeks during which the only social interaction I have is with my dog, if that even counts.
While I had dreams of making my last year of university one to remember, I’ll remember it for the monotonous daily routine of logging onto Zoom and listening to the droning voices of professors that I occasionally find myself tuning out—though I promise I pay attention most of the time.
Coincidentally, this most recent lockdown aligns with the month of love. As the infamous day of Saint Valentine draws near, I prepare for another year of not having a valentine.
I mean this in the least negative way possible, because I truly am happy being single. While lockdown has had its moments of loneliness, it has also allowed me to slow down and practice self-care in ways that are now embedded in my way of being. Though I have considered myself my own valentine for a while now, I find that being in the midst of a global pandemic makes that a little bit easier and more rewarding this year.
While I did recently binge watch Bridgerton and cry because I want a love as deep as Daphne and Simon, the two main characters—affirming my status as a hopeless romantic—I’m okay with being alone right now. I like working on myself, and I like the company I provide.
I think being alone is underrated, and being able to say that I like my own company is an accomplishment in my eyes. I like doing face masks and a 10-step skincare routine. I like flicking on a candle and sipping a mint tea and burrowing beneath my covers, because it truly makes me feel loved. Recently I’ve even gotten into warm baths that feel like an actual hug, packed with the tingling scent of eucalyptus epsom salts.
There is a kind of satisfaction one gets from caring for oneself. It’s realizing that self care needs to exist in order to feel loved by others. I’ve always loved taking time for myself, but it is through experiencing lockdown that I began to take that extra time, that extra indulgence in making myself feel cared for.
However, when I’m feeling particularly alone in this period of “hunkering down,”and self-care just won’t subside these feelings, I make my way to what I call ‘confidence boosters,’ also referred to as dating apps.
While I know I will never meet the strangers I exchange flirtatious banter with due to the barriers of the pandemic—rendering the conversations prone to fading eventually—I find I always resort back to my own company. Curling up to watch a film that will undoubtedly bring me to tears is sometimes the best way to rid lonesome feelings that inevitably arise during this lockdown era.
This Valentine’s Day, I’ll find myself in my own company, and I’m actually looking forward to it, despite having to stay home. When I’m alone, I’m not bound to anyone’s time and I can spend the day in any way I please. I’ll bake something sweet, do my makeup, probably take a couple photos to remind myself of the bad bitch that I am, and end my night with a movie that, of course, will make me feel all the ‘love feels.’
With the stigma that surrounds spending Valentine’s Day single—accompanying the idea that the uncommitted simply bask in the misery of being alone—I can confidently say this: singles can tear down this stereotype by practicing self-love, rather than sulking over this holiday exploding with commercial ideals of love.
And what better time is there to spend Valentine’s alone than in the midst of the pandemic, when learning to love one’s own company coincides perfectly with public health protocol? We all deserve to care for ourselves, and we all deserve our own love.
So go ahead! Bake the brownies, make yourself feel beautiful and have yourself a night (or two!) committed to making yourself feel the most loved.
Featured graphic by Sara Mizannojehdehi.
