Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes have been fabricated.
The pet dog of a Carleton University student received an honorary undergraduate degree for emotional support during the first semester, the university announced Jan. 18.
Scout, a three-year-old long-haired wiener dog and pet of second-year neurology student Jacob Barkson, received the honour on behalf of all Carleton pets who helped students through online learning.
“Wow. This is such an honour,” Scout barked through a translator (don’t ask us where to get one—the Charlatan is connected in ways beyond your comprehension). “I had never dreamed of anything more than chasing squirrels and drinking out of toilets undisturbed. Now, I can hope to achieve both these dreams as an educated canine.”
Carleton president Benoit-Antoine Bacon announced the honour in a ceremony held on Zoom.
“Unprecedented times call for unprecedented action,” Bacon said, adding that Scout would receive a lifetime supply of dog food along with a graduation cap with a chew-proof tassel.
Attendees of the ceremony included each and every member of the Board of Governors, several student politicians, and many important Ottawa community members, including the governor general, Julie Payette, in her final public appearance as the Queen’s representative.
“I am here today on behalf of Her Majesty the Queen to honour a significant member of the Carleton—and Canadian—community,” said Payette at the ceremony. “It is not often that we are blessed with good boys who are truly as good as Scout, whom one could consider the goodest boy of them all, and I am humbled by the opportunity to have even a small part in witnessing this historic event take place.”
Payette added that had the honouree been of the corgi variety, it is likely the Queen would have made the time to attend the event herself.
Scout’s honour marked the first time an honorary degree was awarded to a non-human being in Canada. Such awards have been given to dogs in the United States, including a Virginia Tech therapy dog that was awarded an honorary PhD in May 2020.
While the lighthearted announcement brought smiles to the faces of many Carleton students, some disagreed with the decision to honour Scout.
“I’ve been working my ass off for a degree longer than he’s been alive,” said Sino Fobe, a fifth-year criminology student. “What did he do to deserve this? Did he stop peeing on the carpet?”
Chear O’Fobia, a first-year master’s student and teaching assistant at Carleton, shared similar sentiments.
“Dude, I swear to god, if I’m going to have to start TA-ing animals and sh*t, I’m going to have a serious problem,” he said.
“Sure, this is just an honorary degree—but that’s how it starts. It’s only a matter of time until the university gets so desperate for alternative funding that they actually start offering courses to people’s pets.”
When asked about his personal opinion on Bacon’s decision to honour him, Scout began to speak, but found himself too distracted by the mention of the president’s last name to carry on.
Featured image from file.
