Being honest can be hard sometimes. It can be especially hard when it comes to taboo topics like sex. However, communicating what you want from your partner(s) can open doors to fulfilling your true fantasies and lead to a healthy, vibrant sex life.
You might expect these types of conversations to be awkward, and while sometimes they can be, you’d be surprised how much better you’ll feel getting it all out there, rather than submitting yourself to an eternity of vanilla sex. (But hey, if vanilla is your flavour of choice, then that’s something that should be communicated too!)
We received some questions this week regarding being open about what you want in bed and we’re going to give you our two cents. If you have any more sex or relationship questions to ask us, send them over via our anonymous Google Form.
Q: “I just started seeing this new guy, and he’s super passive in bed. I’m someone who’s really into dominant types—so how do I get him to rough me up a little bit?”
Annie: First things first, you need to sit him down and explain to him what turns you on. It’s important to let him know how you would like to be treated in bed, and also that it’s okay to treat you in a way that may not be accepted outside of the bedroom. As long as everything is legal and consensual, the rules are for the two of you to decide. Just be sure to also take his desires and boundaries into account as well, so both can be satisfied. He may not feel comfortable being more aggressive or experimenting with different positions or methods. If that’s the case, you need to work together to find a healthy middleground. Remember, relationships take compromise.
Maya: Funnily enough, this question reminds me of how history brims with violence against women (a darkness of our society that continues today). Now, in your situation, you desire your man to be dominant. In a sense, this makes you dominant, too. This ties into the novelty of female agency, how women now hold equal power to men, as well as sexual liberation, allowing them to be free in their sexual exploration. What was used against us is now reversed, as age-old misogynist violence has turned into a power women can control in the bedroom.
In fact, regardless of gender, having a say in the ways you wish to express your sexuality is you wielding control. Whether you find yourself more turned on in the dominant or passive role, this becomes your power during sex. The dynamic between both parties comes from you asserting your agency and being transparent about your desires. Keeping these desires locked away will leave you stuck in a gradual limbo towards dissatisfaction and repressing your right to sexual expression.
Be assertive and vocal of your sexual wishes and leave room for his right to that power, too. Create a guideline of boundaries about what kind of “roughing up” you’re horny for and give him the talking space to express his worries or questions about how far you want him to go. Are slaps your limit? Scratches? Whips? Tell him exactly what you are and aren’t seeking.
It’s also good to make sure you aren’t laying it all on him too quickly, too bluntly. If you say he tends to be more reserved, your guy might understandably be freaked out on instinct. Additionally, he’s a new guy, you say? The longer the relationship, the more open and understanding he may be to your requests for some BDSM-type experimentation, or however far you wish to go. If you haven’t been seeing each other for long, someone who isn’t up for it may find it easier to completely shut it down. That’s something to keep in mind.
There’s nothing wrong with being a little demanding of your fantasies, because while you’re already having some fun doing the deed with your sex partner, the heights of satisfaction you can reach are almost never-ending. With the chance that you have to be verbal about what each of you want, why keep yourselves limited? Enjoy the wildly experimental world of sex, while still keeping within the boundaries of reality.
Q: “My girlfriend is, shockingly, quite bad at eating me out. I don’t want to insult her womanhood or lesbianism by critiquing her in bed, but I don’t really know how to tell her what she’s doing down there is really not my cup of tea. How do I tell her it’s about SUCKING pussy, not LICKING clit?”
Maya: Let me start off by saying this is a question more fitting for Annie, so check out her much more reliable answer just below mine. To me, it’s honestly so much sexier when two people learn and practice each other’s gateways to their individual pleasures. Again, comes open communication and crystal-clear honesty. Sex isn’t a simple act and the intricacies that come with figuring out your partner’s pleasure points are what lead to the most gratifying experiences. Now, onto our Resident Lesbian™.
Annie: Thanks, Maya! As someone who is part of the lesbian community, I can say that the fear of not being considered “gay enough” is so real. However, if phrased correctly, you can avoid insulting your girlfriend’s lesbianism while still expressing your desires and critiquing her oral skills. The best advice that I can give is that when you decide to have this conversation with her, do not phrase it as if she is doing something wrong. Instead, explain that you are interested in trying something new, and that you are curious to see if a different method works better. This takes the focus off of her abilities and instead makes it appear as though you are just trying to switch things up in the bedroom.
Also, while you may prefer sucking to licking, keep in mind that everyone’s genitals are different, and have different sensitivities. There are many factors that go into oral pleasure. To name a few, you should factor in formation, location, pressure, speed, and tongue shape. She may be focusing on your clit because that is what she prefers, so she assumes you like it too, or she may be unaware that there is another way to do it.
Try asking her what she likes sexually, because that may open the door for her to ask you the same question. If she does reciprocate the question, you can take the opportunity to explain how you like to be eaten out. It is important to learn your partners’ turn-ons, especially in a committed relationship. This not only improves sex, but increases the intimacy between you.
Whichever direction you decide to take with the conversation—whether it’s a more direct approach, or the more subtle strategy I explained above—be sure to reassure her that your critiques do not mean you love her any less and do not make her any less queer.
(Also, while the tongue does play an important role in lesbian sex, remember that your girlfriend also has fingers to help out, if needed.)
Yours truly,
Maya and Annie
Featured graphic by Sara Mizannojehdehi.
