In the first instalment of this Q + A series, the Charlatan‘s resident sexologist—who shall remain nameless—takes on reader questions on shower sex, threesomes, lube and more:
Q: Does hormonal birth control make you sad?
A: Hormonal birth control can have different effects on everyone who chooses to take it. Some people may not feel any different after starting hormonal birth control, while others may experience changes such as weight gain or issues with acne.
In terms of emotional effect, some people may experience more mood swings while on birth control, but also mood swings may become more rampant if you choose to go off birth control. This is a case by case basis since it will effect everyone differently, but according to various health websites like WebMD or Explore Health, this could be a factor.
In my personal experience, friends have noted that they’ve experienced a lot more negative emotion when they’re off birth control. It is a very personal experience and every person will say something different, but in short, yes, it could negatively affect your mood. It’s important to be aware of the different effects you could experience while on hormonal birth control, ultimately, you have to do what feels right for you and what is best.
Q: How long should sex last?
A: This is a really great question, and one that I don’t think has an exact answer. The way that I looked at this question is through the entire process, from foreplay to the end. With that being said, sex is different every time you have it, even if it’s with the same partner. There’s really no approximation to how long it should last. Sometimes it lasts a lot longer, and other times it can be much shorter. I say as long as you had a good time, then that’s what counts.
Q: How necessary is lube?
A: This is more of a person-by-person question. For some, lube can amplify the experience and for others, it makes it much easier to proceed because there may be a level of discomfort without it. Lack of natural lubrication may also be a factor; if you’re going to engage in penetration and there is not a lot of natural lubrication, it would definitely help the experience.
So use lube at your own discretion. If you feel like it adds to your experience, then go right ahead and use it up. If you don’t find it that necessary and sex is fine without it, then that’s okay too. I’d say it may help to have it on hand just in case, but you may find that it’s not necessary every time you have sex.
Q: Is it possible to have too many partners?
A: Again, this is a situational question. On one hand, if you find yourself in an open relationship where there may be multiple partners involved, it depends on your comfort and discretion. If one of your partners is interested in bringing someone else into the relationship, then that warrants a discussion to see if it works for both of you. Communication is key for that.
If you’re single and have multiple partners who may or may not know about each other, it’s also at your discretion. There is nothing wrong with playing the field a little, as long as it isn’t at the cost of your personal happiness or health.
So in a way, yes, it is possible but it depends on the person and their feelings on multiple partners. Either way, safety is key.
Q: Does size matter?
A: No, it doesn’t, but that is my personal opinion. Some people may disagree with that notion, and size may matter for them, but confidence is key. You should feel good when you’re being intimate with someone and you should not be worried about how you appear in that situation. As long as you know what you’re doing and you’re focusing on your partner’s pleasure as much as yours, then it’s the least of your concern.
Q: Is the shower actually a good place to have sex?
A: One thing to keep in mind about shower sex is that it’s not like it is in the movies. It is not that sexy, water will end up in your eyes and you will be blinded. Most showers are pretty small as it is, and sharing that space can be super uncomfortable at times.
All of that being said, it can be a fun experience, albeit a bit awkward. The policy I try to keep in mind is “try everything once,” unless you know you have definite limits. Experimenting with different locations and positions can help your sex life and who knows? Maybe you’ll find out that you really enjoy it.
Personally, I don’t advise it but recommend trying it at least once, just for the experience, and then you can laugh at all the unrealistic shower sex scenes in film and television.
Q: Are threesomes common?
A: The discussion of it, very much. The actual interaction of it, I’m not quite sure. I think that we’ve become a lot more open to the fact that sex is not so black and white, and there’s a lot of room for experimentation.
It’s something that I think many people are becoming more open to the idea of and interested in potentially trying out. So, if you find yourself interested and you have an idea of partners that you’d be comfortable with, pop the question and see what happens.
Graphic by Lara Sedele.
