Sexual activity of all stripes should always be a carnal funfest, but there’s no denying that sometimes sex doesn’t always go as smoothly as planned. Friction can be a major mood killer for all sexually active folks, and as awesome as it is to commingle bodily fluids with someone who finds you equally attractive, you may not always be digging the taste of your partner’s nether regions. Perhaps after a while, sex becomes a repetitive, predictable process devoid of exhilarating new sensations.
This is where flavoured lube glides in to save the day. These bottles of sweet, slippery goodness have many uses, like making oral more fun to give and adding cool and slippery sensations. Flavoured lube is a great way to mix things up when you’re a broke university student. It’s relatively cheap, ranging from about $1 for a tiny sample to $30+ for a bottle of ultra-luxurious goop.
It is important to note that oil-based lubes are not safe for use with condoms, silicone lubes damage silicone toys and sugary flavoured lubes can cause yeast infections in vaginas.
I recently purchased an absurd amount of lube to test out. Here’s what I bought, what I thought, and what I recommend:
SYSTEM JO ALL IN ONE CUCUMBER:
Twenty-five per cent of the reason I bought this is because it doubles as a massage glide; the other 75 per cent is because I wanted to make cucumber jokes. This was on the higher end of my lube budget, but thankfully it was so worth it. The dirty-talk potential alone made the $30 price tag worth it. The texture is slick and oily, but it absorbs into your skin after some massaging, leaving your skin soft and silky. You don’t need to constantly reapply this stuff, which also makes it suitable for “greasing the wheels,” euphemistically speaking. The distinctly cucumber scent is light and soothing, perfect for sensual backrubs. The bottle says “no taste,” but I gave it a quick lick anyway. It has a very mild body-wash-esque taste that was a little weird but not awful. If you don’t have a huge sweet tooth and/or want the added bonus of calming massages, this could be the lube for you. I would definitely recommend this lube for massages and lubrication.
Price: $30
OH MY BLUEBERRY:
Oh My is right. Guys, this thing is delicious. It tastes just like blue Freezies and has a slight sour zip to it. I must confess that I’ve been constantly squeezing little drops onto my wrist to eat while writing this review. It’s so good I would eat it on a cracker. Almost. It has the perfect level of sweetness and lasts pretty nicely without reapplication. I definitely recommend this for any encounters where tongues are involved, but be weary around vaginas because its high sugar content can cause yeast infections.
Price: $2
SLIQUID NATURALS SWIRLS PINK LEMONADE:
Taste-wise, I wasn’t a huge fan. It has a sickly sweet taste that is recognizably pink-lemonade-flavoured, but it reminded me too much of Lip Smackers. The Sliquid Naturals Swirl line has other flavours, like cherry vanilla, green apple tart and pina colada, if you too don’t want to evoke memories of past cosmetic choices. Another problem I had with the pink-lemonade flavour is that it’s not particularly strong, which left me reapplying a few times with mild annoyance. That being said, this lube does have some advantages: it’s sugar-free, cruelty-free, vegan friendly and made in the US. If you want a sugar-free and socially conscious lube, this is a good choice.
Price: $16
SLIQUID SWIRL STRAWBERRY POMEGRANATE:
Of all the lubes I taste-tested, this one had the longest lasting flavour. While it is very, very tasty, don’t expect a strong pomegranate flavour. In fact, I couldn’t detect any with my highly tuned taste buds, much to my disappointment. Missing taste aside, another perplexing issue with this lube is its packaging. The testers come packaged in a small wrapper, similar to a condom, and you rip a corner to unleash the magical fruity goop. But what are you supposed to do with the leftover lube? A little lube goes a long way, and there’s way too much lube in the package for it to be single use, unless you plan to pour it into a kiddie pool and roll around. (Okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration. But one package could last you about three rounds.) The odd packaging is what led me to apply too much lube, thus causing a slip-n-slide in my partner’s bed. (Again, not entirely true.) This lube does have a pleasant, long-lasting strawberry taste and stays slippery for quite a while, so I would definitely recommend it to others.
Price: $2
FUCK WATER:
Okay, this isn’t a flavoured lube (and don’t bother putting any of it near your tongue — trust me, I’ve tasted better glue), but I was drawn to its blunt and profane name and just had to include it in my review. What can I say? Creative marketing works. It’s a pretty good lubricant and should last you through whatever sexual rendezvous your horny heart desires without pausing to add more. My only complaint is that it can be a bit sticky on your hands, so I suggest applying it directly onto the desired body parts to keep the overall mess down. But chances are you’ll be getting pretty messy anyway, so just go for it. Given the price and longevity, it would be a nice addition to a student’s bedside table.
Price: $12
Here are a few quick tips to get the most out of your lube adventures:
• Lube can be great for solo sex, no partner required.
• Shopping in person is your best bet for finding the lube of your dreams — Sex-positive stores like Venus Envy have non-judgmental staff who can help you out or let you look by yourself.
• Sensitive skin or allergies? Check the ingredients, ask staff what to avoid and test a small part of skin before committing to smearing it all over your genitals.
• If you have a consistent partner(s), get their input. Even better, go shopping together!
• Try out the tester bottles at stores. Squirt a drop onto the back of your hand for a quick feel and taste test.
• Start out buying smaller, cheaper tubes before investing in some serious lubrication.
• Have fun! This is the only real rule when it comes to lube. What you do with it is up to you and your imagination.
