“Sick, not weak.” I love that saying. Michael Landsberg, sports broadcaster extraordinaire and vocal sufferer of depression, coined the phrase on social media. What first started as a hashtag on Twitter is now an online community for anyone suffering from mental illness.
But back to the phrase. Sick, not weak, yes—but in my darker moments, I felt so unbelievably weak.
I was close to the end of my first month of exchange when I felt the cloud of depression looming. My first two weeks were great—I was looking at everything with awe. Then, my grandmother passed away. Then, I got really sick. The reality of everything hit me like a ton of bricks.
The homesickness grew worse, and I woke up most mornings wondering when I could leave. This was far from the “time of your life” experience I was expecting. It literally hurt how homesick I was—and not to mention depressed. I questioned and even regretted my choice to go on exchange. All I had heard before going on exchange was how wonderful it was and how much fun I was going to have. I felt disappointed this wasn’t true for me. What was I doing wrong?
I do not want to discourage people from going on exchange, but I don’t want to sugarcoat it either. I found people tend to gloss over the side of exchange that is not smiling in pictures at some cool locale. I have those pictures too and, yes, I was genuinely having fun in them. But there were times when I wanted nothing but to go home. Going through the loss of a relative without your family is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Not being able to cry with my mom or be hugged by my dad and brother made things seem so hopeless.
There were good days, such as a movie night with the people in my flat or an evening eating potato pancakes, but I had to fight the sadness a lot—every day, in fact. Even if the previous day was awesome, I knew I would likely wake up back at square one, looking into the abyss. I am fighting this and will continue to keep fighting.
I have to remember that I can and will get through this. I have to remember the reasons I wanted to go on exchange so badly. And that if need be I have friends and family who will drop everything to comfort me. This is an ongoing battle, but it is one that is worth fighting for. And for that reason I may be sick, but I am definitely not weak.
