Guy: When my wife is lactating, I will just be in heaven.
Girl 1: Just look at her and think about all the bad sex she must be having.
Girl 2: Yeah, and when it hurts I’m sure the guy is just like ‘that’s false advertising.’
Guy: Are you just listening to Hot 89.9 so you can win tickets to see Michael Jackson in London?
Guy: Ugh guys, when is April Fools’ Day?
Guy: I love spotting the difference. I’m going to go on Google right now and spot some differences.
Girl 1: I think I’m going to go into sugar shock tonight.
Boy: That sounds like a stripper name.
Girl 1: Hey! That could be my back up if I don’t get a summer job. But that would be my last resort.
(pause)
Girl 1: No, never mind. My last resort would be prostitution. But I don’t think I could make my boyfriend pay for sex.
Girl 2: Oh my god! I don’t even want to know . . .
Girl 1: Nah. I don’t think I’d make anyone pay for sex.
(On a piece of paper found in the library)
Person 1:
Love it when you kiss me
Love it when our lips meet
You intoxicate me
I barely can breath
I love when you kiss me
You wanna kiss now?
[ ] YES!
[ ] HELL YES!
Person 2:
[ ] FUCK NO! …filthy parasite!
Person 1:
I ONLY GAVE YOU TWO OPTIONS DAMNITT! YOU CAN\’T JUST GO MAKING YOUR OWN RULES TO MY
GAME!