A writing volunteer for student newspaper the Charlatan has accused the paper’s photo assistant of being “a prick of indescribable proportions” during a production meeting Wednesday evening.
In a hastily written internal memorandum, the writer – whose name, along with the photo assistant’s, has been omitted pending litigation – called his colleague a “fucking cock bag,” and provided a point-form list of the man’s faults, some of which include “slurred speech,” “near-constant inebriation,” and “douchebaggery, foretold in prophecy of yore.”
This allegation is the most recent addition to a list of scathing attacks on the photo assistant, beginning last September when the paper’s exasperated production assistant went on a emasculating tirade in retaliation to what campus security referred to in their incidence report as “sexual harassment of a disturbing but undeniably hilarious nature.”
Reached for comment, one of the Charlatan’s News editors offered what he thought was an “objective viewpoint” amidst harsh accusations.
“[The photo assistant] thinks he’s a funny guy, no doubt about that,” the editor said in a telephone interview.“Means well, as well as one can mean with frankly unsettling sexual propositions coupled with all that drunken leering.”
The photo assistant quickly went on the defensive, printing off a copy of the memo, dousing it in gasoline and setting it alight with a Cuban cigar in front of the volunteer before negatively comparing the writer to Neville Chamberlain and “Adlai Stevenson, if Stevenson failed at everything he ever did and, furthermore, had no dress sense.”
The comments were immediately followed by violent hip thrusting, repeated shouting of “Face! Face!” and high-fiving the paper’s Features editor for “an extended period of time” according to a bewildered copy editor at the scene.
“This was honestly the greatest thing I have ever seen,” the copy editor said. “Like, imagine you fed two Jack Russell terriers a fistful of PCP each and wrapped them both in bubble packaging. I’ve seen two third graders kick each other into a coma and that seriously doesn’t even compare.”
The Charlatan’s editor-in-chief addressed the complaints levelled against the photo assistant in wake of the incident.
“Surely, mistakes have been made on all sides of the debate,” the e-in-c said in an official statement issued Thursday morning, introducing policies that prohibit “borderline incompetent jackfucks” from applying to any hired position.
Response so far has been positive.