Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes, names and events have been fabricated.
The Carleton University Students’ Association council voted to scrap its electoral code at a meeting on Mar. 1, adopting a lottery-based election system for future CUSA presidents amid single-digit voter turnout in the student union’s general election.
According to the newly drafted electoral code, CUSA presidents will now be randomly selected from the undergraduate population using an AI-enhanced computer algorithm. Full-time and part-time students will be eligible for the presidential lottery draw, regardless of political affiliation, English proficiency or academic standing.
Faculty of Public and Global Affairs representative Coun. Lisa Comms said the legislation comes as voter turnouts in recent CUSA elections have plummeted.
As a ChatGPT Plus and Gemini Pro subscriber, Comms said this move will streamline CUSA’s operations and cut back on administrative costs.
“If I don’t want to write an essay, I usually ask AI to do it for me,” Coun. Comms said. “So, if people don’t want to vote, why not feed the private data of our entire student population into ChatGPT and let it pick someone instead?”
Coun. Comms said AI helps her with assignments and menial tasks, recently using it to plan a CUSA staff vacation to Aruba.
“If ChatGPT can handle vacation planning, I’m pretty sure it can handle an election,” she said.
The electoral algorithm will be written by a “Chief Prompt Officer” – a new student position appointed by the council. Faculty of Science representative Coun. Einstein Singh said advocating for more on-campus student jobs should always be a priority for councillors.
“We’re paying my homeboy Andrew $40 an hour to ‘vibe’ code the new election algorithm for us with Claude,” Coun. Singh said. “I know Andrew had to retake COMP 1005 three times, but we’re all going to Aruba soon and broski [sic] needs to get his money up.”
Questioned about any potential conflict of interest in hiring a close friend for the position, Coun. Singh denied any wrongdoing, stating that Andrew was the most qualified candidate for the role.
Under the new electoral policy, chosen students must serve as CUSA president for the full academic year. Selected students who wish to pass on the position will incur an immediate $5,000 “election avoidance” fine charged to their school account.
Coun. Karina Mwape said the fine will encourage student participation in the electoral process and generate a new cash stream for the association. Earlier last year, CUSA reported a $5 million deficit, with several businesses operating at a loss.
“If no one cares about student politics, we’ll force them to care,” Coun. Mwape said. “Our budget helps fund important student initiatives like removing posters from bulletin boards! Or our upcoming team-building trip abroad.”
During the meeting, councillors also voted to change their term limits from four years to a lifetime tenure.
The Partisan reached out to former CUSA president and fourth-year political science student Malcom “Mo-Money” Smith about the new amendments. He declined to comment.
“If I input my travel expenses as office stationery in the payroll system, I can basically get CUSA to cover my vacations for free,” he said in a conversation Partisan staff overheard at Ollie’s Pub.
“I’m heading to Aruba this spring for “student advocacy” reasons, and no one’s noticed yet.”
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