Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes, names and events have been fabricated.
The disappearance of Carleton University’s groundhogs — colloquially known as “chonkers” — has nothing to do with the cooling weather or the racket of the O-Train.
A three-month Partisan investigation revealed that chonkers are being cooked and served as the university cafeteria’s infamous “mystery meat.”
The Partisan spoke with a cafeteria worker, loved ones of missing chonkers and Carleton students, finding that at least 67 chonkers have been cooked and served over the past seven months.
Despite repeated questions from the Partisan, the university did not comment on the allegations. Instead, spokesperson Bob Cat said the university is “committed to providing healthy and nutritious dining options for all members of the Carleton community.”
Whistleblower describes ‘terrifying’ system of chonker-snatching
The allegations of chonker-cooking surfaced when a whistleblower reached out to the Partisan three months ago. The Partisan is referring to the individual as Worker A because she fears for her safety after speaking out.
“It’s really scary to think we’re doing something this horrible,” Worker A said. “We’re cooking more meat than ever before, but there’s no record of us buying that meat. You have to ask, where is that coming from? And the answer is clear — it’s chonker.”
Expense and purchase reports obtained by the Partisan show the cafeteria is buying half as much meat as it did this time last year. However, a list of meals served in the cafeteria over the past seven months, also obtained by the Partisan, shows the number of meat-based meals served has shot up by more than 200 per cent — with “mystery meat” meals making up almost all of that increase.
“The math is not math-ing,” Worker A said. “The ingredient sourcing, the grocery purchasing, the meal planning … it’s all very suspicious.”
But Worker A is certain chonkers are paying the price. The furry animals are being hunted in the middle of the night by cafeteria workers, she said.
“There’s a system, and it’s terrifying.”
Senior-level cafeteria workers are now increasingly scheduled for overnight shifts, Worker A said, which was uncommon practice eight months ago. Instead, she said the staff has been spending the overnights working under the cover of darkness.
“I was walking home from campus just after midnight a few weeks ago, and I saw my boss running around the Quad holding a big brown bag,” she said. “At first, I wasn’t sure what he was doing, but then I started hearing the chonkers screeching.”
Worker A returned to campus grounds around the same time every night of the following week, spying on the Quad from behind a tree. She said every night, senior staff would come outside around midnight and capture six or seven groundhogs inside large bags before returning to the cafeteria around 2 a.m.
CCTV footage obtained by the Partisan shows senior cafeteria staff consistently entering the kitchens around 2 a.m. carrying large, squirming bags into a back room where there is no accessible surveillance footage.
“I’ll never be able to get the sound of their screams out of my head,” Worker A said, tears in her eyes. “We’re killing them, and for what? Mystery meat loaf?”
‘It smelt suspiciously like my good old pal’: Chonker loved ones notice disappearances
Loved ones of disappearing chonkers who met with the Partisan said they first started noticing that their furry mates wouldn’t return home from university grounds around late March 2025.
Gerald the Chonker — who requested an alias to protect his identity — suggested the university’s severance mental well-being initiative for his friend, Fred the Furry Chonker. The racket and vibrations from the O-Train Line 2 running through campus, Gerald said, would disturb Fred’s peaceful kipping in his underground tunnel hideouts.
“When he didn’t come home for tree bark dinner, I thought it was a malfunction with the severance procedure,” Gerald said. “But I then suspected something more sinister when I caught a waft from the cafeteria last April.
“It smelt suspiciously like my good old pal Fred’s unwashed fur.”
Gerald said he was “too cowardly” to go investigate the campus himself, for fear of joining the growing number of disappearing furry friends. But he’s concerned about the impact of disappearing groundhogs on the Carleton community.
“Not only are Fred and all other chonkers dearly beloved mates, but they’re also valuable members of the Carleton community,” he said. “I mean, who else would let us know if we’ll have six or seven more weeks of winter?”
Charlie the Chonker, another alias for a severed campus chonker, told the Partisan that he was practicing for Groundhog Day by poking his head out of his campus dugout on June 7. All of a sudden, he said, he saw a hooded figure round the corner with a large brown bag.
Charlie has been in his Carleton dugout hiding ever since, fearing what awaits on the surface.
“My dugout used to have six or seven fellow chonkers, and now it’s just me,” Charlie said, teeth chattering and fur shaking. “I miss my family, I miss the sun. Now, I don’t think I’ll be able to fulfill my spring-predicting duties because I’m so scared of what’s to come.”
Carleton spokesperson Cat wrote that they suggest the severance procedure to “all those affected.”
“It’s the best method of alleviating these pains,” Cat said. “Our work is mysterious and it’s important.”
Students taste the effects of chonker meat
Cafeteria goers who spoke with the Partisan have noticed the mystery meat’s new taste.
Scark Mout, a severed fourth-year American studies student, said he suspected chonker happenings when he bit into the dark, rubber-like meat that had a soft and tufty aftertaste in October 2025.
“After a long, hard day of Tariffs 1001, the last thing I want is a tuft of light brown fur in my mouth,” Mout said. “Thoughts and prayers to all chonkers affected, but respectfully, they don’t even taste that good.”
Mout added that he is concerned about his health as a result of his mystery meat consumption.
“Nowhere is safe. With the chonkers disappearing too, who knows if spring will ever come again?” Mout said. “I can’t do another semester of Tariffs 1001.”
University in ‘challenging’ financial times, Cat says
Though the university did not comment on the chonker-cooking allegations, Cat wrote to the Partisan that the university is facing “challenging financial times.”
“We are committed to addressing the deficit through any and all means necessary,” the statement reads.
The university’s financial deficit has worsened since it invested $100 billion into a “whimsy” Comic Sans font rebrand to attract new students in November 2024.
“Again, the university will take any means necessary to resolve this concern,” Cat’s statement continued. “All members of the university will have to make sacrifices, including our furry chonker friends.”
