Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated.
OC Transpo’s O-Train Line 2 has been closed due to construction since 2020. The line is still closed through 2024, leaving standstill traffic and subpar bus routes as students’ only options to get to school.
But locals have started to speculate there may be more to the bungled transit timeline than meets the eye.
Investigative reporters with the Charlatan sat down with Samuel Navalin, the O-Train’s test driver, who has been at the helm of the new rail for more than a year now.
“This thing is ready to go,” Navalin said. “Runs smooth as butter on these tracks.”
Carleton students are disappointed with the city’s failed promise to have the school as a major stop along Line 2 by 2022.
“I was promised the train would be done by my second year here,” said Carleton fourth-year journalism student Jeremy Simmonds. “Now, I can’t imagine it’ll be done before I graduate.”
But Navalin offered a different perspective.
“You guys talked to Jeremy? Why would you talk to Jeremy? He’s like the biggest idiot on campus aside from, well, I don’t know, like anyone,” Navalin said. “I hate that guy.”
Without access to Line 2, Simmonds found himself swamped by traffic in Canada’s capital city.
“As a journalism major, chasing stories downtown is a nightmare,” Simmonds said. ”The traffic is a huge obstacle between me and completing my assignments.”
“Jeremy Simmonds is a fascist,” Navalin said.
In a follow-up email comment, Simmonds said he is not a fascist, has never claimed to be and has never supported fascist causes.
When pressed further, Navalin told the Charlatan, “That’s just what I believe.”
On a municipal scale, O-Train Line 2 has been a disaster.
According to the city, running empty trains on Line 2 and Line 4 is part of the testing process to ensure the safety of passengers.
“It’s probably safer in here than anywhere else on Earth,” Navalin said. “I’ve had students throw rocks at the windows and there’s not even a crack.”
According to several anonymous sources, Navalin has been known to press his bare buttocks on the window of the train’s front car when it passes through Carleton.
“I don’t know why no action has been taken against Sam Navalin for his blatant public indecency in mocking out students,” Carleton law professor Sue Preamcourt said.
“Jeremy told you that, didn’t he?” Navalin countered. “See, the thing about Jeremy is that he’s Ottawa’s biggest source of misinformation and fake news.
“He would probably love it if I pressed my bum against the window.”
With the Trillium Line entering its final stage of testing, Simmonds’ focus remains squarely on what this could mean for his daily transportation.
“Living in South Keys, Line 2 would be a huge help,” he said. “It would be nice to have access to the train before I’m finished school, but even as I hope to start working next year, it’ll be the most reasonable way to get to and from downtown.”
But even as the line finished testing on Oct. 3, there is still no official launch date.
“Never will be,” Navalin said. “This is mine, not yours, not the university’s, not Ottawa’s and certainly not Jeremy’s.
“If Jeremy ever steps foot on this train, I’m going to roundhouse kick him in the face.”
Featured image from files.
