Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated.
Pandemonium ensued following the 55th annual Panda Game, resulting in millions of dollars in fines and damage caused by students and police officers alike.
Of the roughly 24,000 fans in the stands of TD Place — most of them students — thousands brought the party to the Sandy Hill neighbourhood.
For residents of Sandy Hill, this was very bad news. Fueled by inhuman amounts of alcohol, a wave of students broke bylaws and caused several instances of property damage.
One resident even had her car flipped — but students weren’t the sole ones responsible.
“There was nothing I could do,” said Sandy Hill resident Amy French. “I watched about a dozen people, including an Ottawa police officer, flip my sedan last night.”
The red 2007 Toyota Camry was determined to be a total loss by her insurance company following the incident, which left partygoers cheering.
But the biggest shock of the night was the enthusiastic participation of an unlikely figure — Ottawa police sergeant Biff Wellington.
“I’ve spent my whole life following rules and my whole career enforcing them,” Wellington said. “But now my whole world has been flipped upside down.”
Wellington told the Charlatan he has recently started listening to music that has completely changed his outlook on life.
“Dua Lipa tells me there are no rules, and I think she’s making a pretty valid argument,” Wellington said. “Do you think there really are no rules?”
Wellington is adamant that he is not misunderstanding the meaning behind Dua Lipa’s 2017 hit single “New Rules” and that the title is a typo.
The Charlatan reached out to Dua Lipa for comment, but did not receive a response in time for publication.
“When Dua says, ‘I’ve got no rules, I count em,’ it really hits close to home,” Wellington said. “It’s actually ironic because you can’t count any rules when there aren’t any in the first place. She’s really a lyrical savant, and I think people need to recognize that her ideas are ahead of our time.”
Wellington’s spouse, Cheri Garcia, also expressed concern over his recent behaviour.
“He’s very easily influenced,” Garcia said. “Biff really lacks the ability to think critically, so if he hears anyone say anything, he kind of takes it as gospel.”
“Dua Lipa is the most influential thinker since Plato,” Wellington said.
“Society tells you ‘Don’t flip cars!’” Wellington continued. “But why not? Because somebody else paid for that car? Maybe they shouldn’t flip their own car, but that’s not my problem, that’s your fault for buying the car.”
“Then they’ll threaten to throw you in jail for flipping the car. But they can’t sufficiently explain why, they have no moral standing.”
In Canada, vandalism causing $5,000 or more in property damage can put the perpetrator in prison for up to 10 years.
“Vandalism and property damage is even more egregious if it’s committed by somebody who is supposed to enforce the law, especially if they are in uniform when doing so,” said University of Ottawa law professor Jésus Pepper.
“I’m willing to go to jail for standing up for what I believe,” Wellington said. “There really are no rules and I think everybody should know that.”
The oldest and most complete example of written law is widely accepted to be the Code of Hammurabi. The law was enacted during the reign of King Hammurabi of the Babylonian Empire, which lasted from 1792 to 1750 BCE.
The backbone of Canada’s legal system, the criminal code, was published in 1892.
“The world is my oyster,” Wellington said. “I don’t need to do anything but eat, drink and sleep.”
“Let my message be a call to action to all voices of authority in society; we don’t need to listen to what we’re told. We want to flip cars too, and it is our god-given right to do so.”
Featured image by Murray Oliver.
