Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated.
The Carleton Ravens men’s basketball team posted a perfect 14-0 record in the 2021-22 season, extending their reign of dominance over Ontario University Athletes (OUA) and all of U Sports. They’ve now lost only eight times in the regular season since Feb. 6, 2010—a span of 228 games.
But amid all the winning, nihilism is setting in among the team and coaching staff. According to a source in the Carleton clubhouse, players are beginning to question whether any of their wins matter.
“I’ve had three or four players come up to me looking lost,” the source said. “They just have an overwhelming feeling that everything is useless and there is no objective truth.”
One player who spoke to the Charlatan said all the winning had gotten boring.
“To be honest, I don’t even know what nihilism means. I had to Google it,” the player said, a sentiment shared with the author of this article. “But it sounds cool. I mean, look—we beat uOttawa and it was boring. Why keep playing?”
Many players are now considering enrolling in a master’s degree in philosophy. Two players said they were entering the priesthood; another said he was planning on becoming a Buddhist and backpacking India.
One player even mentioned becoming a monk, citing the “simpler lifestyle” where “I don’t have to think about winning anymore.”
“I don’t know where these guys are going, but that monastery is gonna have one hell of a basketball team,” said one Carleton coach. “Do monks even play basketball? They should. Ballin’ is definitely a spiritual pursuit.”
The recent change of tone for the Ravens’ clubhouse could spell trouble for Carleton’s dynasty, which is closing in on the two decade mark. The players who spoke to the Charlatan weren’t scared of losing their throne.
“After you win the championship 15 times, it’s kinda just like, all this for a piece of metal?” one player said. “Maybe I’ll leave before my eligibility is up, then come back when I’m 30, just so winning feels good again.”
Although the news was met with disappointment from Carleton students, who have experienced only four years of soul-crushing victory instead of 19, many across the OUA and U Sports were ecstatic.
That included one rival coach, who said it would take several seasons to remember what winning felt like.
“Sorry, you’re asking for the last time I won a championship? Do you know what league I coach in?” the coach said. “Journalists these days.”
The Charlatan pressed the coach for an answer, but the coach blocked our number.
Featured image by L. Manuel Baechlin.
